We had a miscarriage at 10 weeks in November of 2007. It was awful but we wanted to give our 11 year- old a sibling. Our beautiful daughter was born on March 27th, 2009. She was perfect in every way but our family still didn’t feel complete so we decided to try again. On October 15th I had a positive pregnancy test! We were so excited and scared. My husband, Job (it’s Biblical, not as in employment) and I, Bianca, knew a positive pregnancy test was only the beginning of a long stressful journey.
The second I saw the pregnancy test was positive my heart was filled with joy. I knew it was very early but the thought of having a baby in 9 months was enough to bring me unexplained happiness. Job felt the same way. He was happy but he feared another miscarriage. Unfortunately, October 29 I started spotting. I called the doctor and they had us come in to the office. As I sat there holding Job’s hand, tears rolling down my face all I could think about was that we were losing the baby. The doctor came in and did a vaginal ultrasound. He said it was too early in the pregnancy to tell what was going on. He sent us home with two lab slips to be done 48-72 hours apart. I was put on bed rest. I did the lab work and called for the results. The medical assistant told me the HCG level was dropping. We had another miscarriage. We were heartbroken.
In November I was still feeling pregnant. I didn’t understand why I was still nauseated. I took another pregnancy test and it was positive. What? I was so confused. Was I still pregnant? Was it a tumor? Was it a molar pregnancy? Cancer? We went in to the doctor’s office and he confirmed I was pregnant, about 5 weeks. Job and I were ecstatic! I knew this was a miracle. Thank you Lord.
I was extremely nauseated for the first 12 weeks but I was so happy to be pregnant it didn’t matter. I would lay on my couch with a bucket, water, crackers and a smile on my face. Job was great. He did anything and everything I asked him to do. His goal was to keep me as comfortable as possible, he did. The nausea was so bad I would run to the nearest bathroom and start dry heaving over and over. Natalia would look at me and cry. “Are you happy mommy?” she would sob. My heart would break to see her so sad and afraid.
I was taken off work and put on Zofran for nausea. It didn’t help. I also got a horrible kidney infection. I went in to see the doctor and he discovered that my blood pressure was low. He made it clear that I couldn’t go back to work until my blood pressure was stable. My OB doctor agreed. I was sent to a Perinatologist because of my congenital heart defect, it was repaired when I was 2 years old. My heart problem is hereditary so we wanted to make sure this baby’s heart was fully developed.
I saw my OB once a month and he did an ultrasound at every visit. It was so great to watch our baby grow. He told us the baby was a girl. Every visit she was developing perfectly. We also saw the perinatologist once a month and they did an ultrasound every time to make sure her anatomy was developing correctly, it was. My husband and I couldn’t decide on a name for our little miracle. He didn’t like any of the names I liked. It was Natalia that said one day “I know how about Gabriella?” with a huge smile on her face. “That’s a beautiful name” we replied. Job wasn’t completely happy with it but we loved that Natalia picked it out. Gabriella means woman of God. It was a perfect name for a perfect baby girl.
At about 18 weeks I started to have some spotting. Job took me to the ER. We were terrified. They did an ultrasound. The tech must have seen the fear in my eyes because he told us he couldn’t tell us anything about the ultrasound as he pointed to Gabriella’s heartbeat and smiled. I was so grateful for that compassionate man. I was able to breath again. The doctor later came in to tell us that I had a small subchorionic hematoma. He put me on bed rest and we were discharged home. Thank you Lord.
The months went by pretty quickly. Gabriella was always moving around. I could lift up my shirt and watch her move around. I would talk to her and tell her all about her brother and sister. I would tell her how excited we were to bring her home. We couldn’t wait to see her. We bought Natalia a toddler bed and left the crib in her room for Gabriella. We organized the closets so the girls could have an equal amount of space. I loved looking at the tiny newborn clothes that use to be Natalia’s. The tiny shoes and hair bows.
I was still taking classes at California State University, Stanislaus for my BSN. I was also planning to apply to the neonatal nurse specialist masters program at UCSF. I woke up on June 23rd 2011 and started to get ready for school. I had to go to the library to use the computers for my computer science class. As I leaned over to put on my make up I felt Gabriella kicking because I was squishing her. I had breakfast and left to school.
I was sitting at the computer about three hours later when I noticed I hadn’t felt Gabriella move. I quickly finished my assignment and left the library. I stopped to get a Sprite because I knew the sugar would wake her up. I drank the Sprite as I drove home. I started to pray Lord she’s in her your hands, I know she’s okay; please Lord let her be okay. I prayed everyday for Gabriella’s health and safety. I had no reason to believe something could be wrong she was doing so well. When I got home I told Job I was calling the OB. The OB said go to Labor and Delivery.
Job drove us to Labor and Delivery. We brought Natalia with us because we didn’t expect to stay long. I was sure they were going to tell me I overreacted and Gabriella was fine. My hands were shaking, my heart was racing, and so many thoughts were going through my mind. Please God let her be okay. Maybe she just can’t move as much because she’s getting bigger. Please Lord have mercy on my baby let her be okay.
The nurse walked us into a room and I changed into a gown. The nurse then started to look for Gabriella’s heart beat. She moved the monitor all over my belly but nothing. She left the monitor on and the screen showed 120 BPM. Could that be the babies heart beat Job asked me. I knew 120 BPM was low but it was a heartbeat and I prayed it was Gabriella’s. About 5 minutes later the nurse came in with my OB doctor. I knew something was wrong. Lord please help my baby, I prayed over and over again. The doctor did an ultrasound. He was very quiet. The whole room was quiet. Job held my hand and I squeezed his. The OB turned to look at me and said “She’s not alive, I’m sorry” his eyes full of devastation. “She’s not!” I shouted. He shook his head. In that second my life stopped. I couldn’t hear anything. I broke down. Why Lord why? I cried in hysteria. Not my baby! I felt dizzy and sick to my stomach. I looked over at my husband and tears were rolling down his face. Knowing he was hurting so much hurt me more. I apologized over and over to Job and Gabriella. The doctor kept telling me it wasn’t my fault but I should have known something was wrong. Why didn’t I help her? Why wasn’t I there when she needed me the most?
We were moved to another room and my sister-in-law Jael came to pick up Natalia. I was still in shock. My baby wasn’t alive anymore. Could the doctor be wrong? Please, please Lord let the doctor be wrong, I begged. Why was this happening? It felt like a nightmare. I was answering questions and doing what was asked of me but I was on autopilot. All I could do was replay the doctor’s words as he said “she’s not alive anymore”. I was so afraid. I was so confused. I was angry with God. I prayed for Gabriella’s health and safety everyday Lord, weren’t you listening? Were my prayers bouncing off the sky? What is the point of prayer if your not going to listen? She’s just an innocent baby. I begged God to give Gabriella her life and take me instead. I begged him to spare her life and I would do anything he asked of me. The room was silent Job and I just cried and cried. The pain was unbearable.
The nurse came in and gave me the first dose of Cytotec 200mg. They use 50mg for normal deliveries but the doctor wanted me to deliver as soon as possible. He ordered and epidural and pain medicine. He told the nurse to make sure I was comfortable at all times. He looked at me and told me he didn’t want me to have to suffer through this delivery. He said I could have anything I wanted. All I wanted was my little girl I thought to myself. He told the nurse to call him at any time if I needed anything.
Job and I waited and waited. It felt like time had stopped. The nurses were very attentive. They came in constantly to check on us. My brother-in law, Jair, came to see us and offer his help. I don’t remember what I said to him or if I said anything. He’s always been so helpful. He has a great heart and has always been the first to offer his help when we need it. Later that night my friend, Laura, came into see us. She was on duty. As she walked toward us tears rolled down her face. She told us how sorry she was and offered to help us in any way. I don’t remember what else was said it was all so surreal.
The 200mg didn’t do much so the nurse brought another dose. The anesthesiologist came in to put in an epidural. He wasn’t very friendly and it didn’t work. I was moving my legs, wiggling my toes and I could feel hot/cold. The contractions were not that bad yet. The nurse came in with 400mg of Cytotec in hopes that it would increase the contractions. It worked the contractions started to get bad. The nurse called the anesthesiologist but he didn’t come in. The contractions got worse. At shift change in the morning the oncoming anesthesiologist came in and attempted to fix the epidural. He was very nice but it didn’t work either. Soon the contractions were extremely horrible and less than 1 minute apart. Job called the nurse but they tried Morphine and Fentynal but the pain remained the same. The contractions got worse. Now they were like one continuous contraction, no breaks. I was in the worst pain of my entire life but my emotional pain was far worse. I cried and shifted and shifted in the bed. I looked at Job, his eyes were so sad he looked so worried. The charge nurse and 2 other nurses came in but there was nothing else they could do. The OB came in and I started to push. A couple of minutes later Gabriella was born at 11:22 am on Saturday June 24th 2011.
The doctor placed her on my chest. She looked perfect. Her eyes were closed. I just cried and cried. I held her tight. I didn’t want to let her go. I kept waiting for her to breath. I’m so sorry Gabriella I said to her over and over again. I felt her warm, soft skin and kissed her little nose. She looked just like her big sister. She had lots of black curly hair. Her tiny hands and feet were precious. Her cheeks were starting to fatten up. She weighed 4lbs and 10oz. She was 16 inches long. Job just held us both. I will never forget this time with my precious daughter and husband. I loved to hold her and I told her how special she was. I told her how much we love her. Job held her so lovingly. He stared at her with tears rolling down his cheeks. He rocked her and looked at every detail of her face. There was so much going on around us but it was as if we were there alone. Nothing else mattered.
We held her as long as we could. The nurse came to get her. Job didn’t want to let her go. As she walked away with her I felt like screaming, bring her back! Don’t take her! The pain got worse and worse. My heart ached like never before.
Job and I held each other and cried. I started to think about all the things we had to do. We had to buy her an outfit for burial, plan a funeral, and buy a casket and so many other things. How were we going to do this? Nobody should ever have to do this. I’m suppose to die first I thought. Lord it isn’t supposed to happen this way. God where were you when Gabriella needed you? How could you rob her of experiencing life? I thought you created us to live. I don’t understand. Is this how you treat your children Lord? Why would you want us to go through this?
My sister-in-law and brother-in-law came to see us. I knew they were there but I didn’t have much to say. They brought Treyson to see us. I wanted to hug him and kiss him over and over. I didn’t know what to say to him. I didn’t want to say the wrong thing. They didn’t stay long. I told Treyson I loved him. I reminded him to be a good boy. My Aunt Maria walked in shortly after they left. It was so nice to see her. We cried together and I told her all about the delivery. We talked about when she had Vincent. He was stillborn. I stayed with her at the hospital. I remember thinking how awful it must be for a mother to loose their baby. Little did I know I would be in her shoes one day. She made me laugh and told me all about her kids. Then she had to leave. I didn’t want her to go. I wanted her to stay with me, help me get through this. She was always so strong when Vincent passed away.
Later that night Job’s captain Mike came to visit. His eyes were red from crying. He said how sorry he was that this had happened. He brought us flowers, water and snacks. He was so thoughtful and empathetic. After he left the room was silent again. Job and I were overwhelmed with emotions. Emotions I have never felt before. Anger, frustration, sadness, anxiety, and so many other emotions consumed us all at once. The nurse came in and asked me if we were going to have a funeral? What funeral home we wanted? Did we want an autopsy? There were so many questions and decisions to be made. We did the best we could. Most of the times I looked at the nurses and saw their mouth moving but I didn’t hear a thing they said.
That night my sister-in-laws, mother and father- in- law came to visit. I asked them to bring Natalia. I missed her so much. I wanted to hold her and never let go. I saw Gabriella in Natalia’s face. I hugged her tight and kissed her head. Job took her for a walk to the Pediatric unit. I had called them to ask Leticia if they would give Natalia a toy. Of course they did. I asked my-in-laws if they wanted to see Gabriella, they did. When the nurse brought her in I fell apart again. I couldn’t stop crying. I just held her tight and she smelled so good. She was so beautiful. My mother-in-law asked to hold her. I didn’t want to let her go but I knew they loved her to. I handed Gabriella to her. They all admired her tiny features. They agreed that Gabriella looked just like Natalia. Job came back with Natalia. He held Gabriella and tears filled his eyes. We didn’t let Natalia see Gabriella. I didn’t want her to expect us to bring her home. I walked over to Job to hold my baby girl again. I can’t explain how special these moments are. The only memories we have of our baby girl.
The next day our doctor came in to discharge me home at about 8 am. He said he didn’t know why Gabriella passed. He said everything was perfect. He didn’t see any problems. He recommended we get an autopsy just in case there was something to prevent in the future. We agreed to an autopsy. The doctor gave me all the same post partum instructions. I was still having some cramping but not bad. He apologized again and said we could call him at anytime if we needed anything.
We asked the nurse, Selena, if we could see Gabriella again, she said yes. When she walked in the room holding my sweet baby I lost it again. I just held her tight and cried. My heart ached like never before. I was going to leave the hospital without my baby. My beautiful daughter was robbed of her chance at life. I loved everything about her. I looked at her, felt her and smelled her. I didn’t want to forget a thing about her. Her curly hair was long already. Her fingernails needed to be trimmed. Her little pink hat, small white shirt with tiny flowers, and tiny pink blanket were all so special to me, I kept it all. She lay there in my arms, still, lifeless, so innocent, as if she were asleep. I wish this was all a bad nightmare. I wanted to wake up and be pregnant. I wanted my daughter. I wanted her to open her eyes. Why Lord? Why my baby? We didn’t want to let her go but we had to. As the nurse walked away with her I wanted to die. I felt dead. I would never see or touch my daughter again.
My head was filled with all the things we would miss. She would never smile or babble. We would never see her sit up, crawl, or walk. No first day of school, first crush or graduations. Gabriella would never experience life. I wanted to trade places with her. She deserves to live. She’s just an innocent baby. I was so confused, so hurt and angry. Job and I walked down the halls of the birthing center alone. I didn’t want to see any other babies. I didn’t want to see any happy families. I couldn’t believe I was walking out the door without her. It felt so awful. I was leaving a piece of me behind. GO BACK, go back and get her my heart screamed. I can’t live without her I said. Job squeezed my hand and tried to be strong for me but I know he wanted to go back for her too.
I was living on autopilot. I felt numb inside. I was crying on the couch when my daughter came home. She came up to me and said “Gabriellas’ okay mommy. She’s in heaven with Jesus now” as she hugged me. I couldn’t believe what she said. How did she know Gabriella wasn’t coming home? Who told her? We hadn’t told her about Gabriellas’ death. I knew my in-laws wouldn’t talk to her about heaven. I was shocked. I asked everyone if they talked to Natalia about Gabriellas’ death. Nobody did. Maybe Natalia knows more than we think. Maybe she has a connection with God because she’s still so young and innocent. I don’t know.
The next day, Monday, we called and scheduled an appointment with Lakewood funeral home. We also spent the day looking for the perfect outfit for Gabriella. This was so difficult to do. Nothing was good enough for my baby girl. Everything was so big. We found a light pink sweet pea gown that had embroidered flowers on it and a matching blanket. This outfit was so soft and pretty. It was perfect for Gabriella. We also found one of Natalia’s baby hats and socks for Gabriella. Natalia also wanted Gabriella to have one of her teddy bear-blankets (pink). It said little girls are sent from heaven. We also found a picture of us when we were at Disneyland. I was already showing with Gabriella. It was one of the only pictures we had of the five of us together. We added a picture of the four of us too.
With everyday that passed the pain got worse. We went to meet with the people from the funeral home and cemetery on Tuesday. This was horrible. I looked at the caskets and cried. I couldn’t believe I was picking a casket for my baby. I didn’t care about the prices. I wanted the best for my baby. We had the casket custom made for her. We chose to have her buried in the Baby Garden with other babies and children. I didn’t want her to be alone. Her marker is bronze with a teddy bear holding balloons. It reads “Our precious baby Gabriella Juarez 06-24-11” there would be a vase with her name on it until the marker was made. The lady told us that because Gabriella was an infant there were tests and statistics that needed to be done so we couldn’t have the funeral until the next week. We chose July 7th 2011, Thursday, to have her service.
Chief James Miguel was kind enough to agree to speak at the service. The days seemed so long. I worried about Gabriella all the time. I cried and cried. The pain was unexplainable. I wanted to die. I didn’t want to get out of bed but I had to for my children and husband. I went through the motions of everyday but my mind was with Gabriella. I had horrible nightmares and would wake up looking for my baby.
The day of he funeral finally came. I had to force myself to get ready. I couldn’t keep it together. All I could do was cry. The ride to the cemetery seemed like forever. Tears rolled down my face and wanted to tear my hair out. Why? Why? It’s not supposed to be this way Lord? We followed the Hurst to the cemetery site. I stared at the car and knew my baby was in the casket alone. I wanted so badly to hold and comfort her. I was so angry with God. I knew my baby girl was in heaven but I wanted her in my arms breathing, crying, sleeping, happy.
I waited in our car to try to pull myself together but I couldn’t. My in-laws, Chief Miguel, and other people came to our car to try to comfort me. I saw them and they hugged me but I couldn’t hear anything they were saying. I just cried and closed my eyes so I could see Gabriella’s face. I wanted to hold my baby. I wanted to kiss her and tell her how much we love her. I knew she was in the casket in the back of the Hurst, all alone. I didn’t want her to be alone. She will never know how truly amazing her father is. He really is the most amazing man in the whole world. She will never know how smart her big sister is. She will never know how much her big brother talked about her and couldn’t wait to see her.
My sister-in-law Judy and my mother-in-law helped me out of the car. I was shaking and all could think about was Gabriellas’ precious features. I thought of how active she was in my womb. I thought of how we watched her grow on ultrasound. She was so healthy and thriving. What happened? I sat down and Job came over and kissed my forehead. He sat down to my left. Treyson was sitting on the right side. It broke my heart to see tears rolling down Treyson’s face. I looked at all the flowers in front of me purple and pink lilies, roses, and other beautiful flowers. The service was about to begin so my brother-in-law and Job went to the hurse to carry my sweet baby to her spot with all the flowers.
They carefully placed the tiny mauve colored casket in front of us. My beautiful baby was resting inside. I wanted to scream and pull out my hair. I wanted to die. I wished I could have helped her. I cried even more. The pain was stabbing me in the heart over and over. Chief Miguel began the service with a prayer. Then he said some very sweet words about our family. We then played “Waiting in an Angel” by Ben Harper. Jael Juarez read the poem we had printed in the program “My Tiny Footprints” we also had Gabriellas’ footprints printed on the back of the program. We then played “Somewhere over the Rainbow” by Israel (Hawaiian guy). Chief Miguel came over to us as the song played to see if we wanted to be first to place a rose and say goodbye to Gabriella. Job and I stood together and walked over to pick up a pink rose. As I stood in front of my daughters casket I felt empty, hopeless and broken. I kissed the rose and told Gabriella how much I loved her as I placed it on her casket. Job did the same. Treyson went up and ever to gently kissed the rose and placed it on the casket. I put my arm around him as her cried. It’s okay to cry I told him. The rest of the family also placed their rose and said good-bye.
Chief Miguel continued the service after the song ended. Jair thanked everyone on behalf of the Juarez family. Then Chief Miguel closed with a prayer. I didn’t want to leave my baby girl. I stood up and saw two lines forming on the side of people wanting to comfort us. I felt so blessed to have so much support. I hugged everyone and thanked him or her for coming. It meant so much to me that they were there for my baby girl. I wanted her to know how many people were waiting for her to be born, how many people loved her. A man from the funeral home came over and handed me the pink bear that was on her casket in the flower arrangement. I was so grateful. I just held it and imagined it was my sweet baby. We then went back to the restaurant for a small reception.
Everyday after the funeral I wanted to go to the cemetery. I wanted my baby to have fresh flowers. It broke my heart to leave her. I felt horrible when I wasn’t able to go. I thought about how some people believe that the dead are only sleeping. That would be awful to know that my baby girl was just sleeping all alone in a cold casket six feet under ground. If she were sleeping she would be at home. Why would God want all his children to sleep in such dark places? It made me sick to think about it. I had to hold on to my beliefs. I knew Gabriella was safe in heaven. I knew I would see her again. Lord please take good care of Gabriella.
I would spend most of the day and night thinking about her. Thinking of how things could have been different. I didn’t want to be around anyone but Job and the kids. We bought a white keepsake box and had it engraved for Gabriella. I kept all her stuff inside. This is a sacred box to me. All I have left of my baby girl is in the box. I played the songs from the funeral over and over. Everything seemed so insignificant. I didn’t care about school, work, cleaning house, or eating.
Natalia, Treyson, and Job are the reasons I got out of bed at all. I hated to see them so sad. My poor husband didn’t deserve to be miserable and hurting. My children deserved to have their baby sister. I tried my best to put on a smile when really my heart was torn out. I don’t know how I made it from one day to the next. Everyday rolled into the next. It never got easier. I learned to control my tears a little better but some days all I could do is cry.
I wanted to have another baby. Gabriella could never be replaced but I wanted to give her another sibling. Even if I had 10 more children I would never get Gabriella back. She will always be my daughter. She changed my life in so many ways. I have become a better person because of Gabriella. I want to be a better mother and wife. I want to make sure my family is happy.
It’s been 5 weeks now and it feels like Gabriella passed yesterday. The emotional pain is the same if not worse. I miss her more and more each day. We visit the cemetery at least twice a week. I like to take her flowers and a balloon. Natalia usually helps me pick out the flowers and balloons. Gabriella’s marker isn’t in place yet but there is a metal vase for us with her name on it. I talk to Gabriella all the time. When I pray I ask God to tell her how much we love her. I dream about her a lot. I love her so much. I am now a mother of three: 2 girls, Natalia is 2, Gabriella passed before she was born, and one 11 year old boy.
In three days, August 5th, I should have been forty weeks. I should still be pregnant. I miss having Gabriella’s little body in the way so I couldn’t see my feet, bend over or sleep. I miss feeling her move. I miss talking to her about all the things we would do together when she was born. I had so many plans for her. Her big sister talks about her all the time. Let’s take Gabriella some flowers she says every time we go to Raley’s. I love to go to the cemetery to see her. I feel closer to her. I feel like she should always have flowers and balloons. It’s so sad to see the grave sites with no flowers. I hope I always visit Gabriella and talk to her, leave her flowers and balloons. I don’t ever want to make her feel like she’s not as special as my other children. I love her just as much as I love Natalia and Treyson.
Gabriella has changed my life like nobody else can. I think of her all the time. I put her adorable face as my screen saver on my phone so I can see he all the time. I use to lose my phone and leave it everywhere but now it stays close to me at all times. I miss her so much.
The second I saw the pregnancy test was positive my heart was filled with joy. I knew it was very early but the thought of having a baby in 9 months was enough to bring me unexplained happiness. Job felt the same way. He was happy but he feared another miscarriage. Unfortunately, October 29 I started spotting. I called the doctor and they had us come in to the office. As I sat there holding Job’s hand, tears rolling down my face all I could think about was that we were losing the baby. The doctor came in and did a vaginal ultrasound. He said it was too early in the pregnancy to tell what was going on. He sent us home with two lab slips to be done 48-72 hours apart. I was put on bed rest. I did the lab work and called for the results. The medical assistant told me the HCG level was dropping. We had another miscarriage. We were heartbroken.
In November I was still feeling pregnant. I didn’t understand why I was still nauseated. I took another pregnancy test and it was positive. What? I was so confused. Was I still pregnant? Was it a tumor? Was it a molar pregnancy? Cancer? We went in to the doctor’s office and he confirmed I was pregnant, about 5 weeks. Job and I were ecstatic! I knew this was a miracle. Thank you Lord.
I was extremely nauseated for the first 12 weeks but I was so happy to be pregnant it didn’t matter. I would lay on my couch with a bucket, water, crackers and a smile on my face. Job was great. He did anything and everything I asked him to do. His goal was to keep me as comfortable as possible, he did. The nausea was so bad I would run to the nearest bathroom and start dry heaving over and over. Natalia would look at me and cry. “Are you happy mommy?” she would sob. My heart would break to see her so sad and afraid.
I was taken off work and put on Zofran for nausea. It didn’t help. I also got a horrible kidney infection. I went in to see the doctor and he discovered that my blood pressure was low. He made it clear that I couldn’t go back to work until my blood pressure was stable. My OB doctor agreed. I was sent to a Perinatologist because of my congenital heart defect, it was repaired when I was 2 years old. My heart problem is hereditary so we wanted to make sure this baby’s heart was fully developed.
I saw my OB once a month and he did an ultrasound at every visit. It was so great to watch our baby grow. He told us the baby was a girl. Every visit she was developing perfectly. We also saw the perinatologist once a month and they did an ultrasound every time to make sure her anatomy was developing correctly, it was. My husband and I couldn’t decide on a name for our little miracle. He didn’t like any of the names I liked. It was Natalia that said one day “I know how about Gabriella?” with a huge smile on her face. “That’s a beautiful name” we replied. Job wasn’t completely happy with it but we loved that Natalia picked it out. Gabriella means woman of God. It was a perfect name for a perfect baby girl.
At about 18 weeks I started to have some spotting. Job took me to the ER. We were terrified. They did an ultrasound. The tech must have seen the fear in my eyes because he told us he couldn’t tell us anything about the ultrasound as he pointed to Gabriella’s heartbeat and smiled. I was so grateful for that compassionate man. I was able to breath again. The doctor later came in to tell us that I had a small subchorionic hematoma. He put me on bed rest and we were discharged home. Thank you Lord.
The months went by pretty quickly. Gabriella was always moving around. I could lift up my shirt and watch her move around. I would talk to her and tell her all about her brother and sister. I would tell her how excited we were to bring her home. We couldn’t wait to see her. We bought Natalia a toddler bed and left the crib in her room for Gabriella. We organized the closets so the girls could have an equal amount of space. I loved looking at the tiny newborn clothes that use to be Natalia’s. The tiny shoes and hair bows.
I was still taking classes at California State University, Stanislaus for my BSN. I was also planning to apply to the neonatal nurse specialist masters program at UCSF. I woke up on June 23rd 2011 and started to get ready for school. I had to go to the library to use the computers for my computer science class. As I leaned over to put on my make up I felt Gabriella kicking because I was squishing her. I had breakfast and left to school.
I was sitting at the computer about three hours later when I noticed I hadn’t felt Gabriella move. I quickly finished my assignment and left the library. I stopped to get a Sprite because I knew the sugar would wake her up. I drank the Sprite as I drove home. I started to pray Lord she’s in her your hands, I know she’s okay; please Lord let her be okay. I prayed everyday for Gabriella’s health and safety. I had no reason to believe something could be wrong she was doing so well. When I got home I told Job I was calling the OB. The OB said go to Labor and Delivery.
Job drove us to Labor and Delivery. We brought Natalia with us because we didn’t expect to stay long. I was sure they were going to tell me I overreacted and Gabriella was fine. My hands were shaking, my heart was racing, and so many thoughts were going through my mind. Please God let her be okay. Maybe she just can’t move as much because she’s getting bigger. Please Lord have mercy on my baby let her be okay.
The nurse walked us into a room and I changed into a gown. The nurse then started to look for Gabriella’s heart beat. She moved the monitor all over my belly but nothing. She left the monitor on and the screen showed 120 BPM. Could that be the babies heart beat Job asked me. I knew 120 BPM was low but it was a heartbeat and I prayed it was Gabriella’s. About 5 minutes later the nurse came in with my OB doctor. I knew something was wrong. Lord please help my baby, I prayed over and over again. The doctor did an ultrasound. He was very quiet. The whole room was quiet. Job held my hand and I squeezed his. The OB turned to look at me and said “She’s not alive, I’m sorry” his eyes full of devastation. “She’s not!” I shouted. He shook his head. In that second my life stopped. I couldn’t hear anything. I broke down. Why Lord why? I cried in hysteria. Not my baby! I felt dizzy and sick to my stomach. I looked over at my husband and tears were rolling down his face. Knowing he was hurting so much hurt me more. I apologized over and over to Job and Gabriella. The doctor kept telling me it wasn’t my fault but I should have known something was wrong. Why didn’t I help her? Why wasn’t I there when she needed me the most?
We were moved to another room and my sister-in-law Jael came to pick up Natalia. I was still in shock. My baby wasn’t alive anymore. Could the doctor be wrong? Please, please Lord let the doctor be wrong, I begged. Why was this happening? It felt like a nightmare. I was answering questions and doing what was asked of me but I was on autopilot. All I could do was replay the doctor’s words as he said “she’s not alive anymore”. I was so afraid. I was so confused. I was angry with God. I prayed for Gabriella’s health and safety everyday Lord, weren’t you listening? Were my prayers bouncing off the sky? What is the point of prayer if your not going to listen? She’s just an innocent baby. I begged God to give Gabriella her life and take me instead. I begged him to spare her life and I would do anything he asked of me. The room was silent Job and I just cried and cried. The pain was unbearable.
The nurse came in and gave me the first dose of Cytotec 200mg. They use 50mg for normal deliveries but the doctor wanted me to deliver as soon as possible. He ordered and epidural and pain medicine. He told the nurse to make sure I was comfortable at all times. He looked at me and told me he didn’t want me to have to suffer through this delivery. He said I could have anything I wanted. All I wanted was my little girl I thought to myself. He told the nurse to call him at any time if I needed anything.
Job and I waited and waited. It felt like time had stopped. The nurses were very attentive. They came in constantly to check on us. My brother-in law, Jair, came to see us and offer his help. I don’t remember what I said to him or if I said anything. He’s always been so helpful. He has a great heart and has always been the first to offer his help when we need it. Later that night my friend, Laura, came into see us. She was on duty. As she walked toward us tears rolled down her face. She told us how sorry she was and offered to help us in any way. I don’t remember what else was said it was all so surreal.
The 200mg didn’t do much so the nurse brought another dose. The anesthesiologist came in to put in an epidural. He wasn’t very friendly and it didn’t work. I was moving my legs, wiggling my toes and I could feel hot/cold. The contractions were not that bad yet. The nurse came in with 400mg of Cytotec in hopes that it would increase the contractions. It worked the contractions started to get bad. The nurse called the anesthesiologist but he didn’t come in. The contractions got worse. At shift change in the morning the oncoming anesthesiologist came in and attempted to fix the epidural. He was very nice but it didn’t work either. Soon the contractions were extremely horrible and less than 1 minute apart. Job called the nurse but they tried Morphine and Fentynal but the pain remained the same. The contractions got worse. Now they were like one continuous contraction, no breaks. I was in the worst pain of my entire life but my emotional pain was far worse. I cried and shifted and shifted in the bed. I looked at Job, his eyes were so sad he looked so worried. The charge nurse and 2 other nurses came in but there was nothing else they could do. The OB came in and I started to push. A couple of minutes later Gabriella was born at 11:22 am on Saturday June 24th 2011.
The doctor placed her on my chest. She looked perfect. Her eyes were closed. I just cried and cried. I held her tight. I didn’t want to let her go. I kept waiting for her to breath. I’m so sorry Gabriella I said to her over and over again. I felt her warm, soft skin and kissed her little nose. She looked just like her big sister. She had lots of black curly hair. Her tiny hands and feet were precious. Her cheeks were starting to fatten up. She weighed 4lbs and 10oz. She was 16 inches long. Job just held us both. I will never forget this time with my precious daughter and husband. I loved to hold her and I told her how special she was. I told her how much we love her. Job held her so lovingly. He stared at her with tears rolling down his cheeks. He rocked her and looked at every detail of her face. There was so much going on around us but it was as if we were there alone. Nothing else mattered.
We held her as long as we could. The nurse came to get her. Job didn’t want to let her go. As she walked away with her I felt like screaming, bring her back! Don’t take her! The pain got worse and worse. My heart ached like never before.
Job and I held each other and cried. I started to think about all the things we had to do. We had to buy her an outfit for burial, plan a funeral, and buy a casket and so many other things. How were we going to do this? Nobody should ever have to do this. I’m suppose to die first I thought. Lord it isn’t supposed to happen this way. God where were you when Gabriella needed you? How could you rob her of experiencing life? I thought you created us to live. I don’t understand. Is this how you treat your children Lord? Why would you want us to go through this?
My sister-in-law and brother-in-law came to see us. I knew they were there but I didn’t have much to say. They brought Treyson to see us. I wanted to hug him and kiss him over and over. I didn’t know what to say to him. I didn’t want to say the wrong thing. They didn’t stay long. I told Treyson I loved him. I reminded him to be a good boy. My Aunt Maria walked in shortly after they left. It was so nice to see her. We cried together and I told her all about the delivery. We talked about when she had Vincent. He was stillborn. I stayed with her at the hospital. I remember thinking how awful it must be for a mother to loose their baby. Little did I know I would be in her shoes one day. She made me laugh and told me all about her kids. Then she had to leave. I didn’t want her to go. I wanted her to stay with me, help me get through this. She was always so strong when Vincent passed away.
Later that night Job’s captain Mike came to visit. His eyes were red from crying. He said how sorry he was that this had happened. He brought us flowers, water and snacks. He was so thoughtful and empathetic. After he left the room was silent again. Job and I were overwhelmed with emotions. Emotions I have never felt before. Anger, frustration, sadness, anxiety, and so many other emotions consumed us all at once. The nurse came in and asked me if we were going to have a funeral? What funeral home we wanted? Did we want an autopsy? There were so many questions and decisions to be made. We did the best we could. Most of the times I looked at the nurses and saw their mouth moving but I didn’t hear a thing they said.
That night my sister-in-laws, mother and father- in- law came to visit. I asked them to bring Natalia. I missed her so much. I wanted to hold her and never let go. I saw Gabriella in Natalia’s face. I hugged her tight and kissed her head. Job took her for a walk to the Pediatric unit. I had called them to ask Leticia if they would give Natalia a toy. Of course they did. I asked my-in-laws if they wanted to see Gabriella, they did. When the nurse brought her in I fell apart again. I couldn’t stop crying. I just held her tight and she smelled so good. She was so beautiful. My mother-in-law asked to hold her. I didn’t want to let her go but I knew they loved her to. I handed Gabriella to her. They all admired her tiny features. They agreed that Gabriella looked just like Natalia. Job came back with Natalia. He held Gabriella and tears filled his eyes. We didn’t let Natalia see Gabriella. I didn’t want her to expect us to bring her home. I walked over to Job to hold my baby girl again. I can’t explain how special these moments are. The only memories we have of our baby girl.
The next day our doctor came in to discharge me home at about 8 am. He said he didn’t know why Gabriella passed. He said everything was perfect. He didn’t see any problems. He recommended we get an autopsy just in case there was something to prevent in the future. We agreed to an autopsy. The doctor gave me all the same post partum instructions. I was still having some cramping but not bad. He apologized again and said we could call him at anytime if we needed anything.
We asked the nurse, Selena, if we could see Gabriella again, she said yes. When she walked in the room holding my sweet baby I lost it again. I just held her tight and cried. My heart ached like never before. I was going to leave the hospital without my baby. My beautiful daughter was robbed of her chance at life. I loved everything about her. I looked at her, felt her and smelled her. I didn’t want to forget a thing about her. Her curly hair was long already. Her fingernails needed to be trimmed. Her little pink hat, small white shirt with tiny flowers, and tiny pink blanket were all so special to me, I kept it all. She lay there in my arms, still, lifeless, so innocent, as if she were asleep. I wish this was all a bad nightmare. I wanted to wake up and be pregnant. I wanted my daughter. I wanted her to open her eyes. Why Lord? Why my baby? We didn’t want to let her go but we had to. As the nurse walked away with her I wanted to die. I felt dead. I would never see or touch my daughter again.
My head was filled with all the things we would miss. She would never smile or babble. We would never see her sit up, crawl, or walk. No first day of school, first crush or graduations. Gabriella would never experience life. I wanted to trade places with her. She deserves to live. She’s just an innocent baby. I was so confused, so hurt and angry. Job and I walked down the halls of the birthing center alone. I didn’t want to see any other babies. I didn’t want to see any happy families. I couldn’t believe I was walking out the door without her. It felt so awful. I was leaving a piece of me behind. GO BACK, go back and get her my heart screamed. I can’t live without her I said. Job squeezed my hand and tried to be strong for me but I know he wanted to go back for her too.
I was living on autopilot. I felt numb inside. I was crying on the couch when my daughter came home. She came up to me and said “Gabriellas’ okay mommy. She’s in heaven with Jesus now” as she hugged me. I couldn’t believe what she said. How did she know Gabriella wasn’t coming home? Who told her? We hadn’t told her about Gabriellas’ death. I knew my in-laws wouldn’t talk to her about heaven. I was shocked. I asked everyone if they talked to Natalia about Gabriellas’ death. Nobody did. Maybe Natalia knows more than we think. Maybe she has a connection with God because she’s still so young and innocent. I don’t know.
The next day, Monday, we called and scheduled an appointment with Lakewood funeral home. We also spent the day looking for the perfect outfit for Gabriella. This was so difficult to do. Nothing was good enough for my baby girl. Everything was so big. We found a light pink sweet pea gown that had embroidered flowers on it and a matching blanket. This outfit was so soft and pretty. It was perfect for Gabriella. We also found one of Natalia’s baby hats and socks for Gabriella. Natalia also wanted Gabriella to have one of her teddy bear-blankets (pink). It said little girls are sent from heaven. We also found a picture of us when we were at Disneyland. I was already showing with Gabriella. It was one of the only pictures we had of the five of us together. We added a picture of the four of us too.
With everyday that passed the pain got worse. We went to meet with the people from the funeral home and cemetery on Tuesday. This was horrible. I looked at the caskets and cried. I couldn’t believe I was picking a casket for my baby. I didn’t care about the prices. I wanted the best for my baby. We had the casket custom made for her. We chose to have her buried in the Baby Garden with other babies and children. I didn’t want her to be alone. Her marker is bronze with a teddy bear holding balloons. It reads “Our precious baby Gabriella Juarez 06-24-11” there would be a vase with her name on it until the marker was made. The lady told us that because Gabriella was an infant there were tests and statistics that needed to be done so we couldn’t have the funeral until the next week. We chose July 7th 2011, Thursday, to have her service.
Chief James Miguel was kind enough to agree to speak at the service. The days seemed so long. I worried about Gabriella all the time. I cried and cried. The pain was unexplainable. I wanted to die. I didn’t want to get out of bed but I had to for my children and husband. I went through the motions of everyday but my mind was with Gabriella. I had horrible nightmares and would wake up looking for my baby.
The day of he funeral finally came. I had to force myself to get ready. I couldn’t keep it together. All I could do was cry. The ride to the cemetery seemed like forever. Tears rolled down my face and wanted to tear my hair out. Why? Why? It’s not supposed to be this way Lord? We followed the Hurst to the cemetery site. I stared at the car and knew my baby was in the casket alone. I wanted so badly to hold and comfort her. I was so angry with God. I knew my baby girl was in heaven but I wanted her in my arms breathing, crying, sleeping, happy.
I waited in our car to try to pull myself together but I couldn’t. My in-laws, Chief Miguel, and other people came to our car to try to comfort me. I saw them and they hugged me but I couldn’t hear anything they were saying. I just cried and closed my eyes so I could see Gabriella’s face. I wanted to hold my baby. I wanted to kiss her and tell her how much we love her. I knew she was in the casket in the back of the Hurst, all alone. I didn’t want her to be alone. She will never know how truly amazing her father is. He really is the most amazing man in the whole world. She will never know how smart her big sister is. She will never know how much her big brother talked about her and couldn’t wait to see her.
My sister-in-law Judy and my mother-in-law helped me out of the car. I was shaking and all could think about was Gabriellas’ precious features. I thought of how active she was in my womb. I thought of how we watched her grow on ultrasound. She was so healthy and thriving. What happened? I sat down and Job came over and kissed my forehead. He sat down to my left. Treyson was sitting on the right side. It broke my heart to see tears rolling down Treyson’s face. I looked at all the flowers in front of me purple and pink lilies, roses, and other beautiful flowers. The service was about to begin so my brother-in-law and Job went to the hurse to carry my sweet baby to her spot with all the flowers.
They carefully placed the tiny mauve colored casket in front of us. My beautiful baby was resting inside. I wanted to scream and pull out my hair. I wanted to die. I wished I could have helped her. I cried even more. The pain was stabbing me in the heart over and over. Chief Miguel began the service with a prayer. Then he said some very sweet words about our family. We then played “Waiting in an Angel” by Ben Harper. Jael Juarez read the poem we had printed in the program “My Tiny Footprints” we also had Gabriellas’ footprints printed on the back of the program. We then played “Somewhere over the Rainbow” by Israel (Hawaiian guy). Chief Miguel came over to us as the song played to see if we wanted to be first to place a rose and say goodbye to Gabriella. Job and I stood together and walked over to pick up a pink rose. As I stood in front of my daughters casket I felt empty, hopeless and broken. I kissed the rose and told Gabriella how much I loved her as I placed it on her casket. Job did the same. Treyson went up and ever to gently kissed the rose and placed it on the casket. I put my arm around him as her cried. It’s okay to cry I told him. The rest of the family also placed their rose and said good-bye.
Chief Miguel continued the service after the song ended. Jair thanked everyone on behalf of the Juarez family. Then Chief Miguel closed with a prayer. I didn’t want to leave my baby girl. I stood up and saw two lines forming on the side of people wanting to comfort us. I felt so blessed to have so much support. I hugged everyone and thanked him or her for coming. It meant so much to me that they were there for my baby girl. I wanted her to know how many people were waiting for her to be born, how many people loved her. A man from the funeral home came over and handed me the pink bear that was on her casket in the flower arrangement. I was so grateful. I just held it and imagined it was my sweet baby. We then went back to the restaurant for a small reception.
Everyday after the funeral I wanted to go to the cemetery. I wanted my baby to have fresh flowers. It broke my heart to leave her. I felt horrible when I wasn’t able to go. I thought about how some people believe that the dead are only sleeping. That would be awful to know that my baby girl was just sleeping all alone in a cold casket six feet under ground. If she were sleeping she would be at home. Why would God want all his children to sleep in such dark places? It made me sick to think about it. I had to hold on to my beliefs. I knew Gabriella was safe in heaven. I knew I would see her again. Lord please take good care of Gabriella.
I would spend most of the day and night thinking about her. Thinking of how things could have been different. I didn’t want to be around anyone but Job and the kids. We bought a white keepsake box and had it engraved for Gabriella. I kept all her stuff inside. This is a sacred box to me. All I have left of my baby girl is in the box. I played the songs from the funeral over and over. Everything seemed so insignificant. I didn’t care about school, work, cleaning house, or eating.
Natalia, Treyson, and Job are the reasons I got out of bed at all. I hated to see them so sad. My poor husband didn’t deserve to be miserable and hurting. My children deserved to have their baby sister. I tried my best to put on a smile when really my heart was torn out. I don’t know how I made it from one day to the next. Everyday rolled into the next. It never got easier. I learned to control my tears a little better but some days all I could do is cry.
I wanted to have another baby. Gabriella could never be replaced but I wanted to give her another sibling. Even if I had 10 more children I would never get Gabriella back. She will always be my daughter. She changed my life in so many ways. I have become a better person because of Gabriella. I want to be a better mother and wife. I want to make sure my family is happy.
It’s been 5 weeks now and it feels like Gabriella passed yesterday. The emotional pain is the same if not worse. I miss her more and more each day. We visit the cemetery at least twice a week. I like to take her flowers and a balloon. Natalia usually helps me pick out the flowers and balloons. Gabriella’s marker isn’t in place yet but there is a metal vase for us with her name on it. I talk to Gabriella all the time. When I pray I ask God to tell her how much we love her. I dream about her a lot. I love her so much. I am now a mother of three: 2 girls, Natalia is 2, Gabriella passed before she was born, and one 11 year old boy.
In three days, August 5th, I should have been forty weeks. I should still be pregnant. I miss having Gabriella’s little body in the way so I couldn’t see my feet, bend over or sleep. I miss feeling her move. I miss talking to her about all the things we would do together when she was born. I had so many plans for her. Her big sister talks about her all the time. Let’s take Gabriella some flowers she says every time we go to Raley’s. I love to go to the cemetery to see her. I feel closer to her. I feel like she should always have flowers and balloons. It’s so sad to see the grave sites with no flowers. I hope I always visit Gabriella and talk to her, leave her flowers and balloons. I don’t ever want to make her feel like she’s not as special as my other children. I love her just as much as I love Natalia and Treyson.
Gabriella has changed my life like nobody else can. I think of her all the time. I put her adorable face as my screen saver on my phone so I can see he all the time. I use to lose my phone and leave it everywhere but now it stays close to me at all times. I miss her so much.
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